No one ever said that being a Mom was going to be easy. You read all the books ahead of time to prepare yourself for this little miracle that is about the enter your life. You purchase the hundreds of dollars in “must have” baby gear and decorate your nursery until it is Instagram worthy.
For me, I was all ready for baby number two to come but was not ready for what was about to happen to me, my body and my emotions. First off, I did not have post partum depression (PPD). I had what is probably considered “normal” post partum emotions. You read about the possibilities of PPD but not much is in the books about what all other Moms might be going through. Please note these are my postpartum experiences. When I use the term “normal” I am speaking of someone not suffering from PPD.
I don’t know how many times I have said to myself:
-WTF am I doing wrong?
-Why does my baby hate me so much?
-I am being a horrible wife!
-Ugh! Once again I have accomplished nothing today.
-Why the hell am I crying.. again?
-Why the hell are you (baby) crying… again?
-Ugh! Just go the F* to sleep!
Now this isn’t a pitty post. (and disclaimer* I would advise for you to stop reading if you don’t want to hear about the lovely postpartum symptoms). I’m not looking for you to say “Oh Heather you’re not a horrible mom/wife!” I know I’m not! But I am writing to say it is normal to think those things (sometimes). All Moms do, and if you say you don’t then you’re either lying or deserve a trophy. Our emotions are on a roller coaster, our boobs are rock hard and hurt like Hell. We are scared to go to the bathroom, because not only does it sting to pee from any stitches or tears but those hemorrhoids make the thoughts of a bowel movement petrifying. Not only are you changing your baby’s diaper (and toddler for some), but feel like you’re wearing a diaper too. None of your clothes fit and those that do fit feel uncomfortable on you. You almost feel uncomfortable in your own skin. You have more than likely had to change your pants at least once today because you are still trying to gain control of those lovely pelvic floor muscles. Finally, you feel like a zombie because you haven’t had much more than 4 hours of sleep. Between your newborn waking up every two hours in the night and your toddler waking up at the crack of dawn… sleep seems to be a thing of the past. “Sleep while the baby sleeps”, they say. HA! not with a toddler. When you put all of these factors into considerations no wonder we feel like we are losing our shit sometimes. I just want to say, you got this! Looking back at the newborn stage with Jackson (my first baby), I really don’t remember all those things. What I remember are the sweet baby snuggles, and yummy baby smells. I remember the way he curled up his bottom to snuggle and how sweet his first smile felt. And while, right about now I just want to scream or cry because I feel like Hudson will never sleep. I know that in 18 months from now those hard moments won’t seem so bad. So my advice to you, first time or second time moms, is to take it one day at a time. Soak in those snuggles, spoil your babies and know that how you’re feeling is ok. It will get better. You’re not a horrible mom or wife. You are killin’ it! And if you feel like your feelings are not normal… talk to someone. It is ok to ask for help. It is ok to say “I need a break!” Sometimes the postpartum healing process is deeper then the stitches and hemorrhoids. Don’t forget to take care of yourself. You are important.
Photos by the lovely and sweet Nicole Leigh Photos